The word “discipline” can mean all sorts of things, often with a negative connotation, depending on our experiences. So what exactly are we talking about?
Setting boundaries is about guiding, teaching, and protecting our children by creating rules.
It means adapting those rules to their age and development stage. Discipline is about enforcing rules in a consistent and coherent way.
Providing our children with a clear and loving framework is a great act of love. It teaches them they can trust us and explore their world safely. The challenge is finding the right balance—being neither too strict nor too lenient.
Why children need boundaries
Our children need structure. It’s good for their physical safety and their development. When we set boundaries with kindness, we teach our children lots of important skills: managing their emotions, getting along with others, respecting rules, adapting, becoming more independent, putting in effort, and learning how to be patient and tolerate waiting. It also helps them develop healthy lifestyle habits for the future. Boundaries not only build trust and mutual respect, they also strengthen communication and deepen our bond with our children!
How to discipline kindly
Being a nurturing parent doesn’t mean saying yes to everything or being in a good mood all the time. It means trying to understand what our children need rather than reacting to their actions.
We can be firm without harming their self-esteem. It’s possible to say no while showing them that we understand their feelings. Once the storm has passed, we can explain why certain behaviours aren’t acceptable, using words they understand.
Sure, our children might resist sometimes, but at the same time, they’ll gradually learn that it’s okay to experience less pleasant moments. Frustration and disappointment are normal emotions that are part of life. Getting used to them and learning how to handle them is important.
The 5C approach
Our rules should be:
Clear
By using simple, age-appropriate language.
For example: “When you ask for something, you need to say 'please.'”
Concrete
By describing the expected behaviour.
For example: “Wash your hands with soap before dinner.”
Consistent
By applying rules the same way in all situations.
For example: Screens are never allowed at the table, no matter which parent is present.
Coherent
By following the rules ourselves and being a positive role model.
For example: If we ask our children to be polite to others, we have to do the same.
Consequential
By having logical, reasonable consequences when rules aren’t followed.
For example: If a child throws toys on the floor, they have to pick them up.
More tips for setting and enforcing rules that our children can understand and follow
- Keep it simple: Limit the number of rules so children better understand what’s expected of them. Too many rules can create confusion, and make them harder to remember and follow.
- Introduce rules gradually: Implement them step by step rather than changing everything all at once.
- Create memory aids: Use writing or images to help children remember the rules and steps of the routine.
- Say yes more than no: And set conditions if necessary. For example, “Yes, you can play your video game for 30 minutes, after finishing your homework,” instead of just saying no.
- Celebrate children’s efforts and good behaviour: Reinforce positive actions with specific praise. For example, “That was kind of you to share your toy. I know it’s your favourite.”
- Admit mistakes and apologize: If we break a rule or lose control of our emotions, we own up to it and say sorry. That’s what we want our children to do, so we have to show them that it’s not the end of the world.
- Work as a team: Collaborate with the other parent, even after separation, to enforce the rules. You have to row in the same direction to move forward!
Find more tips
There are many resources and tools available to help us set boundaries for our children. For example, the Following rules information sheet focuses on children aged 2 to 5.
Check out the Resources section for more options.
“For me, discipline meant punishment. I didn’t want to stifle my daughter, so I was too lenient. Now that we have clear rules, it’s reassuring for her… and less frustrating for me!”
