Sometimes our emotions are like a calm, smooth sea without waves—easy to navigate. And at other times, they’re like a storm or a flood—they can even make us lose our bearings.
To avoid letting emotional overflow impact our loved ones, especially our children, the first step is observing and recognizing what’s happening inside us. Taking a step back and allowing ourselves to process our emotions. From there, we’re better able to find appropriate solutions… and regain our balance.
This process is called self-regulation.
Self-regulation: a superpower worth developing
Learning to manage our emotions is doubly beneficial for our children:
- They’ll have a parent who is more available to listen to them and understand them
- They’ll have a model to follow for managing their own emotions
The more we learn to recognize and understand our emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant, the more natural and effective self-regulation becomes. We get to know ourselves better, and our children reap the rewards.
Let’s take a deep breath!
When emotions run high, trying to take a step back by breathing deeply, counting to 10, leaving the room, or stepping outside, if possible to do so, can help. The goal is to avoid reacting impulsively until we feel in control of our emotions. We should wait until we’re able to express ourselves in a way that’s respectful towards our children and others. It’s not easy at first, but our adult brain is more developed than our children’s. It’s up to us to set the example.
We react better when we’re calmer
Yelling or getting angry at our child doesn’t help things. When repeated, this type of parenting can harm a child’s development by, for example, affecting their self-esteem or increasing their anxiety.
When children behave in ways that are disruptive or inappropriate, it’s often a sign of an unmet need.
Ask yourself: Are they hungry? Tired? Seeking attention or stability? Do they need more independence? Are they craving a sense of safety?
Spotting our warning signs
Our bodies and minds send us warning signs we should listen to. Paying attention to them as early as possible can help us address issues before they reach a breaking point.
These signs can take different forms:
- Our mental health: anxiety, irritability, sadness, difficulty concentrating, feelings of emptiness, of being overwhelmed or of not fulfilling our potential as parents
- Our behaviours: unusual impatience, more frequent yelling and/or crying
- Our physical health: sleep troubles, muscle tension, headaches or stomach aches, exhaustion
- Our relationship with our child: feeling of detachment, less desire to interact
It’s important to understand the difference between a tough period and a deeper imbalance.
You’re having a bad day or a hectic week? That’s normal and temporary. You can look for immediate comfort by talking to someone close to you, getting some fresh air or taking a break. But if these signs continue over time, it’s time to seek support from someone you trust. You can also turn to a professional for help.
All parents need support at one time or another.
Asking for help is not a weakness. In fact, it shows that you understand the situation and your limits. It’s an opportunity to learn and improve.
Tips for managing your emotions better
Every parent has to find what works best for them.
- Take breaks when needed. As a parent, it’s important to give yourself moments of rest. Even a 10–15-minute break can make a difference. Getting help from someone close to you to look after the children or using services such as drop-in daycare can help you get back on your feet.
- Find strategies to let off steam when needed. For example, go for a run, play some music, write, draw, etc.
- Communicate, explain, apologize when necessary, and rebuild bridges. This is important for all family relationships. Even with very young children, simple words can be used to apologize and explain: “Mommy’s sorry for talking to you so loud. I was tired, but it wasn’t right.”
- Slow down. Slowing down is a way of reconnecting and prioritizing yourself. Of rediscovering the small pleasures of life. Those non-essential tasks and activities? They can wait.
- Look ahead! There’s no need to judge yourself during tough times or conflicts with your child. The important thing is to learn from these experiences and remember that this, too, shall pass.
Getting help
There are many resources and tools available which can help during difficult times. Consult the Resources section to find some.
“My neighbour seemed impatient with her son, so I asked her how she was doing. She was short on time, so I invited Matteo to ‘help’ me garden. His mom got a chance to breathe a little!”
